Re: End of my rope - been there too

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ My Message Board ] [ FAQ ]

Posted by Gene on January 20, 19102 at 11:27:22:

In Reply to: Re: End of my rope - been there too posted by Tony G. on January 19, 19102 at 16:03:49:

: : I don't think I can go on knowing that when I walk down the street, people are looking. Or trying just to meet new women and then you tell them u r a above knee amputee. That makes them go running. Can anyone anywhere offer me advise as I prefer to die than to be alone for the rest of my life the way I now am.
:

: I just posted the following message at another message board last week because a young man (maybe 16 to 20 years old) over there was considering suicide. Due to Cliff's post, and other's recently, the message also seems applicable. It's a long post, but it may help put a different perspective on things for those who care to read it. --- Tony

: Rather than be flip and belittle anyone's situation. It is just the same to you - "the worst thing that could happen to YOU" personally, just as real and terrible as any other's situation.

: That said - those who truly want to kill themselves DO. Those who really don't want to kill themselves reach out for help. As your previous post is just such an effort. To see if perhaps other's can find reason for you to live (because you can't seem to find any right now in your own mind).

: I can only offer my own experience. Honestly, I consider suicide about once every four to six weeks. It's always something seemingly small that sets me off. I drop a glass, can't pick up a fork, can't take a shower or even go to the bathroom without being harshly reminded that I no longer have two legs (and, although still attached, a nearly useless right hand and arm). In fact, your post (the originally post in which this response was written, Cliff's is not nearly as desperate as that.) has helped me to realize how absurd I myself can be when I consider such things and become entangled in my own self pity.

: As I write this message, here's another prime example - Moments ago I backed up from my desk in my wheelchair and just ran over my cat. It's funny in an "America's Funniest Home Videos" kind of way, but it's sad too. The cat likes to be close to me so he sleeps behind my wheelchair when I sit anywhere at length. I can't possibly remember to look for him every time I wish to move, so then the poor fellow gets run over by my 200+ pound frame in a wheelchair and limps around the house for the next 3 days. Yes, the cat is stupid in that was about the 10th time in 2 years that I've run him over, but why should he change because I am now in a wheelchair? Little things like that upset me a great deal.

: Little things like that snowball and when they build up too great, I began to consider suicide. If I wasn't here, the cat wouldn't have gotten hurt, the glass wouldn't have broken, there wouldn't need to be a special seat for me to take a shower or go to the toilet. If I wasn't here, none of these problems would exist.

: Never mind the cat, let's now consider my own pain and suffering - A Healthy 24 year old male, new girlfriend, new townhouse, great job pulling down 50k per year working for an Internet startup, then - WHAM, hit by a truck riding my motorcycle to work one cool September morning. The next thing I knew, I was released from the drug induced coma in which I slept for 3 weeks and they tell me I nearly died on several occasions. At first, the pains were unbearable - 8 Vicoden per day at least were needed to quell the pain. At that time, I could not even feed myself, much less kill myself by any means. 3 nurses had to lift me out of bed with a crane and put me in a wheelchair. People had to bathe me and clean me after I soiled myself. In hindsight I am glad that I was too weak to commit suicide and too bleary to realize exactly what befell me.

: Then I was released from the rehabilitation hospital and brought home. Still with a 6 inch gash in my gut from the multiple liver laceration repair surgery attempts, with bandages that needed changing every 6 hours. Back to live with my parent's, whom I had left 6 years earlier, only to return for a short time after my divorce. I was only out of their home a mere 7 months again before the accident which took my right leg, and nearly my life, landed me back in their care once more. Night after sleepless night I would wake up in agony and need more painkillers. I had not even the strength to call loud enough when need be, because my vocal cords were so damaged from the multiple tubes which were my life support for the 6 weeks prior, so a baby monitor was placed by my bedside.

: I don't speculate about anyone else's situation, but my situation - 24 years old, in diapers being spoon fed without even the strength to scream to vent my agony was the worst, most unthinkable situation I have ever endured. Yet I did endure and yet here I am still. Now 26 years old and all the more resilient. I now also have all of my faculties about me and no longer take any medication, save an occasional pill for a headache. I can now take care of my own every need - by myself. Thankfully I do not have to because of the loving family I am blessed with, yet if need be, I can indeed do all that need be done.

: That is much more than I have ever cared to tell anyone who is not related to me, but I felt it applicable in this case. It's easy for one to say "You know what, you ain't got it so bad, my situation was way worse." Therefore I felt the need to try and describe my situation at length. Cliche's are ultimately borne from truth. Take your pick:

: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
: Time heals all wounds.
: It can't get any worse.
: There's always someone worse off than you.
: etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah

: As dark as it may sound, it makes me feel better to know that other's have endured even far worse than I. When it gets real bad, I think of Christopher Reeve. He was an actor, rich beyond my imagination. He was Superman for crying out loud! Now look at him - in one instant that was all taken away. He can't even hug his wife or scratch his... you get my meaning. Or I remember the children in the rehab hospital I saw who were born with all sorts of disabilities. Remembering them makes me not feel so bad about my own situation - hey, at least I had 24 good years before my accident, these poor kids never even had a chance. Point is - it could indeed be worse my friend.

: In the end, I know not what tomorrow holds for me. Perhaps I'll get hit by yet another truck because I am too slow while crossing the street with my prosthetic leg, perhaps not. Perhaps I'll get the high score playing Frogger on my PlayStation 2, or perhaps win the lottery, perhaps not. Either way, the choice is mine - Life or Death, and I choose Life. Yes, tomorrow could be worse... but it could also be better.

: Lastly, this was not meant to be a spiritual "feel good" post by any means. I am not a spiritual person. I personally do not believe in God. "A compassionate God would not allow such an awful thing to happen to me." Right? Or, "A vengeful God punishes those who do not believe in or heed His words." Right? Either way I don't care to waste time pondering the mysteries of that which I cannot possibly hope to know, all I know is that I'm still here - by my own choice! One last thing to consider - If you think that Life is bad, do you honestly think that Death is going to be any better?

: Best wishes,
: Tony G.

Follow Ups:

Post a Followup

Name:
E-Mail:

Subject:

Comments:
: : : I don't think I can go on knowing that when I walk down the street, people are looking. Or trying just to meet new women and then you tell them u r a above knee amputee. That makes them go running. Can anyone anywhere offer me advise as I prefer to die than to be alone for the rest of my life the way I now am. : : <hr width="50%"> : : I just posted the following message at another message board last week because a young man (maybe 16 to 20 years old) over there was considering suicide. Due to Cliff's post, and other's recently, the message also seems applicable. It's a long post, but it may help put a different perspective on things for those who care to read it. --- Tony : : Rather than be flip and belittle anyone's situation. It is just the same to you - "the worst thing that could happen to YOU" personally, just as real and terrible as any other's situation. : : That said - those who truly want to kill themselves DO. Those who really don't want to kill themselves reach out for help. As your previous post is just such an effort. To see if perhaps other's can find reason for you to live (because you can't seem to find any right now in your own mind). : : I can only offer my own experience. Honestly, I consider suicide about once every four to six weeks. It's always something seemingly small that sets me off. I drop a glass, can't pick up a fork, can't take a shower or even go to the bathroom without being harshly reminded that I no longer have two legs (and, although still attached, a nearly useless right hand and arm). In fact, your post (the originally post in which this response was written, Cliff's is not nearly as desperate as that.) has helped me to realize how absurd I myself can be when I consider such things and become entangled in my own self pity. : : As I write this message, here's another prime example - Moments ago I backed up from my desk in my wheelchair and just ran over my cat. It's funny in an "America's Funniest Home Videos" kind of way, but it's sad too. The cat likes to be close to me so he sleeps behind my wheelchair when I sit anywhere at length. I can't possibly remember to look for him every time I wish to move, so then the poor fellow gets run over by my 200+ pound frame in a wheelchair and limps around the house for the next 3 days. Yes, the cat is stupid in that was about the 10th time in 2 years that I've run him over, but why should he change because I am now in a wheelchair? Little things like that upset me a great deal. : : Little things like that snowball and when they build up too great, I began to consider suicide. If I wasn't here, the cat wouldn't have gotten hurt, the glass wouldn't have broken, there wouldn't need to be a special seat for me to take a shower or go to the toilet. If I wasn't here, none of these problems would exist. : : Never mind the cat, let's now consider my own pain and suffering - A Healthy 24 year old male, new girlfriend, new townhouse, great job pulling down 50k per year working for an Internet startup, then - WHAM, hit by a truck riding my motorcycle to work one cool September morning. The next thing I knew, I was released from the drug induced coma in which I slept for 3 weeks and they tell me I nearly died on several occasions. At first, the pains were unbearable - 8 Vicoden per day at least were needed to quell the pain. At that time, I could not even feed myself, much less kill myself by any means. 3 nurses had to lift me out of bed with a crane and put me in a wheelchair. People had to bathe me and clean me after I soiled myself. In hindsight I am glad that I was too weak to commit suicide and too bleary to realize exactly what befell me. : : Then I was released from the rehabilitation hospital and brought home. Still with a 6 inch gash in my gut from the multiple liver laceration repair surgery attempts, with bandages that needed changing every 6 hours. Back to live with my parent's, whom I had left 6 years earlier, only to return for a short time after my divorce. I was only out of their home a mere 7 months again before the accident which took my right leg, and nearly my life, landed me back in their care once more. Night after sleepless night I would wake up in agony and need more painkillers. I had not even the strength to call loud enough when need be, because my vocal cords were so damaged from the multiple tubes which were my life support for the 6 weeks prior, so a baby monitor was placed by my bedside. : : I don't speculate about anyone else's situation, but my situation - 24 years old, in diapers being spoon fed without even the strength to scream to vent my agony was the worst, most unthinkable situation I have ever endured. Yet I did endure and yet here I am still. Now 26 years old and all the more resilient. I now also have all of my faculties about me and no longer take any medication, save an occasional pill for a headache. I can now take care of my own every need - by myself. Thankfully I do not have to because of the loving family I am blessed with, yet if need be, I can indeed do all that need be done. : : That is much more than I have ever cared to tell anyone who is not related to me, but I felt it applicable in this case. It's easy for one to say "You know what, you ain't got it so bad, my situation was way worse." Therefore I felt the need to try and describe my situation at length. Cliche's are ultimately borne from truth. Take your pick: : : That which does not kill us makes us stronger. : : Time heals all wounds. : : It can't get any worse. : : There's always someone worse off than you. : : etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah : : As dark as it may sound, it makes me feel better to know that other's have endured even far worse than I. When it gets real bad, I think of Christopher Reeve. He was an actor, rich beyond my imagination. He was Superman for crying out loud! Now look at him - in one instant that was all taken away. He can't even hug his wife or scratch his... you get my meaning. Or I remember the children in the rehab hospital I saw who were born with all sorts of disabilities. Remembering them makes me not feel so bad about my own situation - hey, at least I had 24 good years before my accident, these poor kids never even had a chance. Point is - it could indeed be worse my friend. : : In the end, I know not what tomorrow holds for me. Perhaps I'll get hit by yet another truck because I am too slow while crossing the street with my prosthetic leg, perhaps not. Perhaps I'll get the high score playing Frogger on my PlayStation 2, or perhaps win the lottery, perhaps not. Either way, the choice is mine - Life or Death, and I choose Life. Yes, tomorrow could be worse... but it could also be better. : : Lastly, this was not meant to be a spiritual "feel good" post by any means. I am not a spiritual person. I personally do not believe in God. "A compassionate God would not allow such an awful thing to happen to me." Right? Or, "A vengeful God punishes those who do not believe in or heed His words." Right? Either way I don't care to waste time pondering the mysteries of that which I cannot possibly hope to know, all I know is that I'm still here - by my own choice! One last thing to consider - If you think that Life is bad, do you honestly think that Death is going to be any better? : : Best wishes, : : Tony G.

Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL:

[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ My Message Board ] [ FAQ ]